GET THE STRAIGHT FACTS ABOUT VANILLA DIOXIDE.
Recent Earth-based media claims concerning the health risks of vanilla dioxide normally would earn only the ridicule of anyone with advanced degrees in Dessert Science and Salesology. But because these claims threaten YOUR FAMILY’S RIGHTS to enjoy Flizmo brand products without fear of REGULATORY PERSECUTION we feel it is necessary to address them head on.
FACT: When used as directed, vanilla dioxide is a safe and fun way to enjoy ice cream regardless of atmospheric conditions. Vanilla dioxide retains its gaseous form and great taste from the frozen surface of Pluto to Mercury’s sultry equator.
FACT: Using Flizmo Fudge Plasma ensures the smooth operation of vanilla dioxide regulator valves. Reports of sudden 300-pound weight gains fail to mention use of non-approved fudges.
FACT: Eight-ton penguins are a symptom of global tilting and not the cause of it. The unscheduled release of the Antarctic vanilla dioxide reserve may actually have saved lives by distracting some penguins from their new taste for human flesh. Also, global tilting doesn’t exist.
FACT: Despite the efforts of ambulance chasing opportunists* on the interior five planets, the Flizmo family of products remains 100% legal, safe and uninvestigated on Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto.
FACT: Pithwax Lung Stapling Centers support your RIGHT to enjoy vanilla dioxide in whatever amount you choose by offering convenient one-hour pulmonary bypass surgery. Pithwax Centers and Legal services are in no way owned or operated or owed money by Flizmo Technologies.
Bartleby Pithwax, Esq.
Vanilla Dioxide Freedom Council
*Only operate Flizmo Inflatable Ambulances in a well-ventilated area away from ignition sources. In the unlikely event of ground tether failure, ambulance passengers should familiarize themselves with the onboard emergency deflating procedures. Remote deflation using Flizmo Smart Harpoons has been linked to an increased risk of harpooning in rats.